When it comes to any relationship, you both need to understand the expectations of both parties. In the situation of extra-marital relationships, you will need to manage your expectations of your marriage as well as your affair. Before you even start the second relationship, you should be asking yourself “Is this what I really want?”. Everybody has initial expectations of their marriages but marriages and the people in them change and you can find yourself looking for the missing pieces in another person.

Expectations of your affair What you are looking for and what your new lover is looking for in the relationship should be discussed during the early stages of the affair and before it even begins, you need to look at yourself, your family situation and weigh up what you want in the extra relationship. Your initial expectations may change over time and you need to keep your communication open about this with your lover. How far will the affair go? You should keep both of your relationships in perspective. While it is still practical to have the two at the same time, you need to realise it is difficult to have both as fulltime relationships. You may need to evaluate how far you would like the affair to go in terms of seriousness and how much time you would like it to take up. You may, at times, feel you want the affair to take a more prominent position in your life but you need to remember that the whole idea of an ‘affair’ is supposed to be ‘on the side’ of your primary relationship – your marriage. Like every relationship, the first few months are often like a ‘honeymoon’ period where everything’s going well, feelings are strong and you’re just getting to know each other. However, after the first six or so months, the relationship gets to a stage where it hits the transition phase. Just like other relationships, you may or may not feel you want to continue the relationship as the lust you felt at the beginning either dissipates or changes and brings about different opinions about the relationship. If you find you’re getting to this stage, you should reassess your expectations with your lover as, chances are, they are feeling the same way. You may feel the relationship has gotten to the point where you do not feel like continuing and might start seeking the same excitement you felt at the beginning of the relationship elsewhere. If this is the case, you need to communicate and break off the first affair before searching for it elsewhere or things may get messy (especially dealing with three relationships). When you’re evaluating your expectations at different stages of your affair, you may need to ask yourself questions to assess where you are in your life and what amount of commitment you can give the new relationship. Here are a few questions you could ask yourself while working out your expectations: •       Is this extra relationship worth the hassle it causes in your life? Are you getting enough joy and fulfilment out of it to outweigh the pain, hurt and other negativity that comes from it (whether it be the stress of keeping it discreet and hidden from your partner, expenses incurred from it, and emotional confusion between you, your lover and your partner etc)?
•       Do you think your lover is getting too attached and seems to be getting too serious about the relationship, treated it as more of a fulltime relationship rather than an affair? You may need to talk to them about this because at different stages of the relationship they may start feeling more dependent upon you and cause havoc in other aspects of your life, including your marriage. Is this what you want? You need to do something about it before it reaches boiling point.
•       Do you feel you have no regrets about having this relationship? Do you think you will have any in the future? Do you feel guilt about it sometimes? You should try to tackle these questions so they don’t get out of hand.
•       Has this relationship benefited you as a person, helped you grow etc, or just made you feel uneasy about yourself?
•       Do you think if circumstances changed between your partner and you (for instance, if a child became involved in your primary relationship/marriage) you would continue this extra-marital relationship or finish it? Your expectations of an affair should always include having the positive outweigh the negative, not the other way around. If you find yourself in this situation, you should talk to your lover and work out how to change things. Your long-term expectations for this affair should relate to everything else in your life from family to work, finances and societal pressures. Make sure you involve your lover in these decisions as there may be alternative avenues around the complicated situations to make them easier for everyone involved.